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Shatraug Maadob's Heap of... Stuff.

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What shall I do with myself? Jan. 16th, 2008 @ 11:32 am
Things that I used to enjoy:

1. historical reconstruction
2. airsoft
3. archaic singing
4. drawing
5. photography
6. activism - cultural (leaflets, posters, actions), religious (holiday meetings, rituals)
7. dog rescue
8. Tolkien
9. Aliens

Everything at the same time and therefore superficially...

What I enjoy now? Playing the same computer game over and over, vegging out, food. Am I just lazy?

I am in completetly baffled as to what to do with my life.

I have to work very hard to make the ends meet. This is not going to change as long as I don't retrain. I coud do some translation jobs but in order to do that I'd have to put up ads eveywhere and I don't even have the time to... Yesterday, me and my BF had this plan to discuss therse things. Of course, we were both too tired. Work problems, apartment problems, work problems, money problems, no time, no mental sanity, no friends, no time for friends, no time/no energy for hobbies, no energy for homemaking, no energy for anything. I know my life is FLYING and I should make the best of it while I can... But I cannot. "When?!" is the word I utter every time someone suggests I do something. When?

Hopefully HE gets a better-payed job so that I can get a break... As if :(

How I managed to miss the Spring. Jun. 2nd, 2007 @ 10:29 am

Spring has always been my favorite season. I enjoy watching the plants come to life, buds develop, open, little twigs start to bloom. When I was somewhere in the middle of my university studies (which seems both like a hundred years and a month to me now), I had a *huge* episode of depression. I can't event really remember what started it. Studies, duh, but something else. 

Anyway, I would feel extremely stressed out by being in the city with all the rude people around and the dirty cars. One day, on my returning home, I did not get off the bus where I normally would. I kept on going and got off near the end of the line. There is a little river running across fields, and a strap of woods on its sides. It was in the early spring and the earth was dump and smelled of all that fertilising crap the winter has left over, rotting leaves, old grass... I came the next day, and the following one... It felt good to look at the new leaves appearing on willows and the grass. I could feel my inner tensions subside and could return home in a much less depressive mood.

This year, I have been working overtime. Afterwards,  shopping, visit my mom and dad (and feel guilty for spending so little time with them), walk the dog (too short), come home, veg out. Next day. Get up, coffee, dress (shabbily), walk the dog, work, eat, shop, veg out, walk the dog, sleep. Shower often missed.

So, there were violets this spring. I managed to take some pictures of them and experience the smell. There was basically one long walk which I remember well (partly because I documented it in photos). Wild cherries were blooming too. 

Daffodils. Hardly seen them. Tulips. Nope. My mom had some but that's about it. Apple trees - are you joking? I approached a small one and then I had to run. Chestnuts. Yeah, I almost managed to have my chestnut time, since there are some beautiful ones outside my windows at work. And they line my street, so that too.

Lilacs. Had not mom given me a small bunch, I would have missed them completely. Still, I hardly smelled them this year... Same goes for lillies-of-the-valley. I bought a small bouquet for my aqcuaintance so I could smell them while we were having our coffee. 

Now I just realised I have missed out on acacias, and lo - linden trees are blooming now. Why is time flying so fast when I spend most of my life at work or vegging out afterwards?!

Kraiat...: uncomfortableuncomfortable

I only use my head to eat with it... May. 24th, 2005 @ 01:06 am
Yes. I do.

I noticed something today. I can't actually operate more than one object with my mouth. One of them falls out. That's right. Cigarette + chewing through a thread = no working.

I am so tired I am gonna tear my head off. I wanna rest. I wanna sleep. More in the locked entry...
Kraiat...: crappycrappy
Khlaarat...: Burzum - Snu Mikrokosmos Tegn

Observation of the day. May. 1st, 2005 @ 05:30 pm
Grey/white hairs are the hardest to pull out. You need to remove at least ten surrounding healthy ones to get rid of the bastard. They are made of titanium and attached directly to your skull.

I am 25.

Offline!!!!! May. 1st, 2005 @ 02:18 am
I might be cut off the internet for a coupla days. I hope to fix it soon but the bastards are quitting the deal with me. I will try to connect through my Dad. He has cable. I bought a router to do that only I need the damn cable itself. Well, hope to get back to you soon. My damn messengers are all off. WTF? :((((
Other entries
» More of this crap...
Another surveyCollapse )
» (No Subject)

The Favorites, Have-You-Evers.. and Last Times! Oh, the variety!

Created by -ambiguous and taken 49114 times on bzoink!

What is your favorite..
restaurantI dunno!
type of weatherwarm, cloudy, windless
thing to do on a half daystare at a guy I like
late-night activitypartying!
When was the last time you..
criedlast Wednesday
played a sportcan't remember
laughedyesterday evening
hugged someoneprobably last week
kissed someone:(
felt depressedright now?
felt elatedon Saturday
felt overworkedright now?
faked sickright now? LOL
liedlike a minute ago :(
What was the last..
word you said"Bye"
thing you ateGreek salad
song you listened toChehomor live imx by Chehomor
thing you drankcofee... mmmm...
place you went tothe kitchen
movie you sawPlan IX from Outer Space lol
movie you rentedcan't remember...
concert you attendedwow, like Gorgoroth last year!
Who was the last person you..
huggeda girl friend, probably Sylwia or Karina
cried overthe guy I met not so long ago and can't forget
kissedthe girl who came to our trainign pecked me on the cheek
danced withman, I don't know... Radek? Last year?
shared a secret withhard to say, I'm doing this all the time with many ppl
had a sleepover withKarina
went to a movie withSylwia?
sawMy Mom
were angry withdon't mention that
couldn't take your eyes off ofwell, there was that guy... I can still see his green shirt as he waves and walks away :(
obsessed overthe same person...
Have you ever..
danced in the rainnot that I can recall
kissed someoneyes, a long time ago
done drugsjust tried
drank alcoholloads of, all the time
slept aroundnah
partied 'til the sun came updone that
had a movie marathonyep :)
gone too far on a darenot really
spun until you were immensely dizzyas a kid, yes
taken a survey quite like this beforeit has happened

Create a Survey | Search Surveys | Go to bzoink!

» Because labelling people is cool.
There's this backstabbing guy who I used to think was such a great friend of mine:

Mr Dick Small

"Diagnostic Criteria (DSM-IV-TR)

A narcissistic personality disorder as defined by the DSM (see DSM cautionary statement) is characterized by an all-pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration or adulation and lack of empathy, usually beginning by early adulthood and present in various contexts. Five (or more) of the following criteria are considered necessary for the clinical diagnosis to be met:

* Feels grandiose and self-important (e.g., exaggerates accomplishments, talents, skills, contacts, and personality traits TO THE POINT OF LYING, demands to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements);

* Is obsessed with fantasies of unlimited success, fame, fearsome power or omnipotence, unequalled brilliance (the cerebral narcissist), bodily beauty or sexual performance (the somatic narcissist), or ideal, everlasting, all-conquering love or passion;

* Firmly convinced that they are unique and, being special, can only be understood by, should only be treated by, or associate with, other special or unique, or high-status people (or institutions);

* Requires excessive admiration, adulation, attention and affirmation — OR, FAILING THAT, WISHES TO BE FEARED andd to be notorious (narcissistic supply);

* Feels entitled. Demands automatic and full compliance with their unreasonable expectations for special and favorable priority treatment.

* Is "interpersonally exploitative", i.e., uses others to achieve their own ends;

* Devoid of empathy. Is unable or unwilling to identify with, acknowledge, or accept the feelings, needs, preferences, priorities, and choices of others;

* Constantly envious of others and seeks to hurt or destroy the objects of their frustration. Suffers from persecutory (paranoid) delusions stemming from a belief that others are envious of them and are likely to act similarly;

* Behaves arrogantly and haughtily. Feels superior, omnipotent, omniscient, invincible, immune, "above the law", and omnipresent (magical thinking). Rages when frustrated, contradicted, or confronted by people they consider inferior to themselves and unworthy."

Nuff said.

From Wikipedia. Stress mine.

This is fun....

The person who previously hurt my feelings is obsessive-compulsive:

1. is preoccupied with details, rules, lists, order, organization, or schedules to the extent that the major point of the activity is lost
2. shows perfectionism that interferes with task completion (e.g., is unable to complete a project because his or her own overly strict standards are not met)
3. is excessively devoted to work and productivity to the exclusion of leisure activities and friendships (not accounted for by obvious economic necessity)

4. is overconscientious, scrupulous, and inflexible about matters of morality, ethics, or values (not accounted for by cultural or religious identification)
5. is unable to discard worn-out or worthless objects even when they have no sentimental value
6. is reluctant to delegate tasks or to work with others unless they submit to exactly his or her way of doing things
7. adopts a miserly spending style toward both self and others; money is viewed as something to be hoarded for future catastrophes
8. shows rigidity and stubbornness.

From Wikipedia too. IMO, and in my Dad's, the guy is more compulsive than obsessive.

I actually can't feel angry with him anymore - the poor guy is sick. I like him again, but can't forget he acted like an asshole to me once. He knows that. Again, it makes me feel more sorry for him. I'm trying to be nice to him. Really.

Can I be a dependant-avoidant hybrid? Like when I switch from one to the other kind of behavior in the matter of hours?

I'm not in the mood to analyze my exes' personalities (like they had personalities, pah). The oldest ones are too much like idols to me, the middle one is just a shadow of memory turning slowly into an idol too (when I forget about the fact that he really, basically, went mad), and the last one still hurts too much.
» (No Subject)
Your sky is red
In your dreams, the sky is RED.

A horrid place of blood and rage.

Violence and angered screams

Continue to assault the place

That you like to call dream.

What colour is the sky in your dreams?
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Sci-Fi Fan
Sci-Fi Fan! You love all things Sci-fi. You don't
mind artificial things, and are curious about
the future. You don't just like sci-fi, you
think it, and it shows. The result graphic is
an angel and devil, which I thought worked for
a sci-fi theme.

What stereotype that's never mentioned are you?
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You are Pris, from Blade Runner.

Which Sci-Fi Movie Diva Are You?
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» Oh I love Dubya.
Seen the speech Dubya made on his inauguration. Friend had it recorded for some reason. Not that I could listen closely because of the guys' being loud & fooling around with their wooden "training swords" around the room and Sylwia yelling at them to stop but what caught my attention was the number of times he said "freedom". Wow. I gotta watch that again and count. Reminds me of my asshole philosophy teacher who managed to say "truth" over 200 times during a 45 minutes lecture once. That was funny.

Looks like a busy weekend is coming. Tommorow morning we are training before Sunday's sparing with another druzhina. So that's Sunday, and before that Aga wants me to go dancing with her and some reportedly dumbass friend of hers. And on Sunday evening another (new) friend wants to go drinking. I usually end up coming pretty late home when I meet woth those guys... being walked home by them in the wee hours of the morning, messily drunk. Hope it doesn't come to that this time. 'Cause Monday morning they want to go investigate the WWI fortifications and want me to come too. Well, at least one guy said so. I'm not sure what for, but he said they wanted to "take pictures" there. OK, I can come along. Take pictures. Still, it sounds fun :) And there is some snow again and I hope winter will settle for some time. It's lovely outside my window right now. I really should go to bed, it's 2.35 a.m. already.
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